Reflections from an experienced family lawyer and mediator at Creative Family Law Solutions
For many years, responses to family violence were often focused on what was wrong with the victim-survivor, or how the violence had affected the children. While understanding trauma and supporting recovery remain critically important, these approaches sometimes overlooked a fundamental question:
Who is causing the harm?
The Safe & Together™ Model, developed by David Mandel, represents a significant shift in how professionals understand and respond to family violence. Widely used by child protection agencies, family support services, courts, and family violence practitioners internationally, the model provides a framework that keeps responsibility where it belongs—with the perpetrator of violence.
For family lawyers and mediators, the model offers valuable insights into how family violence should be assessed, understood, and addressed during separation and parenting disputes.
The Core Principle: Keep Children Safe and Together with the Non-Offending Parent
The model is built on a deceptively simple proposition:
Children are best protected when they can remain safe and connected with the non-offending parent whenever possible.
Historically, systems sometimes responded to family violence by focusing on perceived deficiencies in the victim-survivor’s parenting:
- Why didn’t she leave?
- Why did she stay?
- Why didn’t she protect the children?
- Why did she allow contact?
The Safe & Together Model challenges these assumptions.
Instead, it asks:
- What actions did the perpetrator take that created the risk?
- How did those actions affect the children?
- What did the non-offending parent do to promote safety despite those circumstances?
This shift has profound implications for family law practice.
Looking at the Pattern, Not Just the Incident
One of the most valuable contributions of the model is its focus on patterns of behaviour.
Family violence is rarely a single event.
Rather, it often consists of repeated acts that create an ongoing environment of fear, intimidation, uncertainty, and control.
The model encourages professionals to document and understand:
- coercive control;
- emotional abuse;
- financial abuse;
- intimidation;
- isolation;
- manipulation of children;
- post-separation abuse;
- threats and surveillance; and
- patterns of domination.
For family lawyers, this provides a more accurate understanding of family violence than focusing solely on physical assaults or isolated incidents.
The question becomes:
How has the perpetrator’s behaviour shaped the family’s daily life?
Mapping the Harm to Children
A key insight of the Safe & Together Model is that children are affected by far more than direct abuse.
Children experience harm when they:
- witness violence;
- hear threats;
- observe fear;
- see a parent being controlled;
- experience instability and unpredictability;
- are used as tools of manipulation; or
- lose emotional access to a frightened or traumatised parent.
The model encourages practitioners to identify the specific ways in which perpetrator behaviour impacts children.
For example:
A father may never physically assault a child.
However, if his behaviour causes the mother to live in fear, restricts family finances, controls household decisions, and creates constant tension in the home, the children are living within the impact zone of family violence.
This moves the discussion beyond the simplistic statement:
“But he’s a good father.”
The more appropriate question becomes:
“How has his behaviour towards the other parent affected the children?”
Recognising the Protective Efforts of Survivor Parents
Perhaps the most transformative aspect of the model is its recognition of the protective actions taken by victim-survivors.
Many survivors spend years:
- shielding children from conflict;
- calming volatile situations;
- maintaining routines;
- providing emotional support;
- seeking professional help;
- managing finances under difficult circumstances;
- planning for safety; and
- protecting children from further harm.
Yet these efforts often go unnoticed.
The Safe & Together Model deliberately seeks evidence of these protective capacities.
Rather than asking:
“Why didn’t she protect the children?”
It asks:
“How did she protect the children despite the violence?”
This is an important distinction for family lawyers and mediators.
It helps avoid inadvertently blaming survivors for circumstances created by the perpetrator.
Holding Perpetrators Accountable
A central feature of the model is that responsibility for family violence remains firmly with the perpetrator.
The model rejects language that obscures accountability.
For example, rather than saying:
“The family experienced domestic conflict.”
The model encourages professionals to identify:
“The perpetrator used intimidation, threats, and coercive control.”
This may appear subtle, but language shapes understanding.
When responsibility becomes vague, accountability often disappears.
For family lawyers and mediators, this means carefully examining:
- who initiated harmful conduct;
- who exercised power and control;
- who created the risk;
- who undermined parenting; and
- who continues abusive behaviour after separation.
The focus remains on choices and behaviours rather than excuses or mutualising responsibility.
Understanding Post-Separation Abuse
One of the most important insights for family law professionals is the model’s recognition that family violence frequently continues after separation.
Many perpetrators shift their tactics rather than cease their behaviour.
Examples may include:
- excessive litigation;
- repeated allegations;
- manipulation through parenting arrangements;
- withholding financial information;
- non-compliance with orders;
- constant communication demands;
- using children to obtain information; and
- attempts to undermine the survivor’s confidence.
The Safe & Together Model helps practitioners understand these behaviours not as isolated disputes but as possible continuations of coercive control.
This perspective is particularly relevant in family law matters where ongoing parental relationships must be managed after separation.
Implications for Family Mediation
The model has important implications for mediation practice.
Family violence is not simply a communication problem.
Nor is it necessarily a conflict between two equal parties.
Where there is a history of coercive control, the parties may enter mediation with vastly different levels of power, confidence, safety, and capacity to negotiate freely.
The model encourages mediators to assess:
- whether meaningful participation is possible;
- whether safety measures are required;
- whether shuttle mediation is appropriate;
- whether legal representation should be involved;
- whether mediation should proceed at all; and
- how power imbalances may affect outcomes.
A survivor’s apparent agreement may not always represent genuine consent if fear remains present.
What the Model Teaches About Parenting
The Safe & Together Model encourages professionals to examine parenting through the lens of behaviour.
The critical question is not:
“Does this parent love the children?”
Most parents do.
The question is:
“How does this parent’s behaviour affect the children’s safety, wellbeing, and development?”
A parent who engages in coercive control may simultaneously:
- express love for their children;
- provide financially;
- attend school events; and
- maintain a strong emotional bond.
Yet if their behaviour creates fear, instability, or harm within the family system, those impacts must be considered.
The model therefore promotes a more holistic assessment of parenting capacity.
Lessons for Family Lawyers and Mediators
The Safe & Together Model provides several powerful lessons for practitioners:
1. Follow the Behaviour
Focus on observable actions rather than competing narratives.
2. Keep Responsibility with the Perpetrator
Avoid language or approaches that shift responsibility onto the survivor.
3. Recognise Survivor Strengths
Identify and acknowledge the protective efforts made by the non-offending parent.
4. Assess Impact on Children
Examine how perpetrator behaviour affects children’s safety, emotional wellbeing, and development.
5. Understand Family Violence as a Parenting Issue
Family violence is not merely a relationship problem. It is fundamentally relevant to parenting and children’s welfare.
6. Remain Alert to Post-Separation Abuse
Separation may change the form of coercive control, but not necessarily end it.
A Framework Consistent with Trauma-Informed Family Law Practice
At Creative Family Law Solutions, one of the most valuable aspects of the Safe & Together Model is that it combines compassion with accountability.
It recognises the resilience and strengths of victim-survivors.
It centres children’s experiences and safety.
Most importantly, it keeps responsibility for family violence where it belongs—with the person choosing to use violence, coercion, intimidation, or control.
For family lawyers and mediators, this framework provides a powerful lens through which to understand family dynamics, support survivors, protect children, and encourage meaningful accountability.
By asking not merely what happened, but who caused the harm, how did it affect the children, and how did the survivor work to keep them safe, practitioners can better assist families to move toward safety, stability, and healing.