By Creative Family Law Solutions

“Trauma is not just an event that took place sometime in the past; it is also the imprint left by that experience on mind, brain and body.” — Bessel van der Kolk

As family lawyers and mediators, we often meet people who arrive in our offices believing they are seeking help for a separation, parenting dispute, or property settlement.

What gradually becomes apparent is that the legal issue is only part of the story.

Behind the conflict may sit years, sometimes decades, of fear, hypervigilance, emotional confusion, shame, self-doubt, and deeply ingrained survival strategies that developed in response to family violence.

Many people describe feeling as though they have left the relationship but somehow the relationship has not left them.

This is one of the central insights from The Body Keeps the Score.

Trauma does not simply disappear when the violence stops.

The body remembers.

The nervous system remembers.

The mind remembers.

And those memories can continue to influence relationships, parenting, decision-making, trust, and emotional wellbeing long after the danger has passed.

Family Violence Changes More Than Circumstances

When we think about family violence, we often focus on events.

The assault.

The threat.

The intimidation.

The controlling behaviour.

The coercion.

The argument.

Yet trauma research tells us that the most profound effects often arise not from a single incident, but from repeated exposure to fear, unpredictability, humiliation, or powerlessness.

Over time, the body begins to adapt to survive.

The nervous system learns that danger may be everywhere.

The person becomes highly attuned to risk.

This adaptation can be life-saving during the abuse.

Unfortunately, it often continues long after the abuse has ended.

The Body Learns to Stay Alert

Many victim-survivors describe living in a state of constant vigilance.

They become experts at:

• Reading facial expressions.
• Monitoring tone of voice.
• Predicting moods.
• Anticipating conflict.
• Managing other people’s emotions.
• Avoiding triggers.

These skills develop for good reason.

In unsafe environments, recognising danger quickly can be protective.

However, when the body becomes permanently organised around survival, it can become difficult to relax, trust, or feel safe even in genuinely safe situations.

People often tell us:

“I know I’m safe now, but my body doesn’t seem to know it.”

This is not weakness.

It is trauma.

Trauma Does Not Stay In One Part of Life

One of the most powerful messages from The Body Keeps the Score is that trauma rarely remains neatly contained.

It influences every aspect of life.

Physical Health

Trauma can contribute to:

• Chronic pain
• Fatigue
• Sleep difficulties
• Digestive issues
• Headaches
• Autoimmune responses
• Increased stress responses

Many survivors spend years treating physical symptoms without recognising the connection to unresolved trauma.

Emotional Wellbeing

Trauma often creates:

• Anxiety
• Depression
• Panic
• Emotional numbness
• Shame
• Irritability
• Difficulty regulating emotions

Some people become overwhelmed by emotions.

Others struggle to feel anything at all.

Both are common trauma responses.

Sense of Identity

Perhaps one of the most devastating impacts of family violence is the erosion of self.

Over time, people may lose confidence in:

• Their perceptions
• Their judgment
• Their memories
• Their instincts
• Their worth

Many survivors ask:

“Who am I now?”

Rebuilding a sense of self can be one of the longest and most important parts of recovery.

Trauma and Honesty

This is often misunderstood.

People affected by trauma are not necessarily dishonest.

Rather, trauma can make honesty feel dangerous.

For years, many victim-survivors have learned that speaking openly resulted in:

• Punishment
• Criticism
• Rejection
• Escalation of violence
• Withdrawal of affection
• Further control

The nervous system learns that truth may not be safe.

As a result, survivors may:

• Minimise experiences.
• Change the subject.
• Avoid disclosure.
• Downplay risks.
• Struggle to identify what happened.

Sometimes they are not hiding the truth from others.

They are still trying to understand it themselves.

As family lawyers, we frequently see clients who disclose information gradually over many months.

Trust often develops slowly because trust itself has been damaged.

Trauma and the Ability to Trust

Family violence strikes at the very foundation of trust.

The person who caused harm is often someone who was also loved.

Sometimes they were the person who was supposed to provide safety.

This creates profound confusion.

Many survivors develop beliefs such as:

• People cannot be trusted.
• Love is dangerous.
• Vulnerability leads to harm.
• Conflict means abandonment.
• Safety never lasts.

These beliefs are not irrational.

They are adaptations developed through painful experience.

Yet they can create enormous challenges in future relationships.

The Impact on Future Relationships

Many people expect that leaving an abusive relationship will immediately solve the problem.

Unfortunately, healing is rarely that simple.

Trauma can continue to influence future relationships in ways that are difficult to recognise.

Some survivors become highly guarded and emotionally distant.

Others become overly accommodating and fearful of conflict.

Some find themselves drawn to familiar relationship patterns despite desperately wanting something different.

Others struggle to identify healthy behaviour because unhealthy behaviour became normalised.

Many ask themselves:

“Why do I keep ending up here?”

The answer is rarely a lack of intelligence or insight.

Often, the body is responding to familiar emotional patterns that were learned long ago.

Healing involves learning not only what feels familiar, but what is genuinely safe.

Parenting Through Trauma

For parents, trauma creates additional challenges.

Most parents affected by family violence want one thing above all else:

To ensure their children do not experience what they experienced.

Yet trauma can make parenting extraordinarily difficult.

Parents may become:

Overprotective

The world feels dangerous.

Every risk feels significant.

Every threat feels immediate.

Hypervigilant

They may constantly monitor their children for signs of distress.

Emotionally Exhausted

Years of surviving can leave little energy for thriving.

Triggered by Children’s Behaviour

Ordinary childhood behaviours may unintentionally activate trauma responses.

A child’s anger, defiance, withdrawal, or distress may evoke memories of earlier experiences.

Many parents feel enormous guilt about this.

They worry they are failing.

In reality, many are doing the best they can while carrying wounds that have never fully healed.

The Long Journey of Recovery

One of the most hopeful messages in The Body Keeps the Score is that healing is possible.

However, healing is rarely linear.

Recovery often involves:

• Understanding what happened.
• Recognising trauma responses.
• Reconnecting with the body.
• Building safe relationships.
• Learning emotional regulation.
• Establishing healthy boundaries.
• Reclaiming identity.
• Developing self-compassion.

There is rarely a single breakthrough moment.

Instead, recovery tends to occur through hundreds of small moments of safety, connection, honesty, and growth.

What This Means for Family Lawyers and Mediators

At Creative Family Law Solutions, these insights shape how we work with families.

Trauma-informed practice recognises that behaviour often makes sense when viewed through the lens of a person’s experiences.

This does not excuse harmful conduct.

However, it helps us understand it.

When people are affected by trauma, they may:

• Struggle to make decisions.
• Find conflict overwhelming.
• Appear inconsistent.
• Have difficulty recalling events.
• Become highly reactive.
• Withdraw from discussions.

A trauma-informed approach creates space for people to participate safely and effectively.

It focuses on:

• Safety
• Respect
• Empowerment
• Understanding
• Collaboration where appropriate
• Child-focused outcomes

Most importantly, it recognises that healing and legal resolution often occur alongside one another.

A Final Reflection

One of the most profound lessons from The Body Keeps the Score is that trauma is not simply a story about the past.

It is a story about the present.

It lives in the body, influences relationships, shapes parenting, affects trust, and colours the way people experience the world.

Yet the book also offers hope.

The body may keep the score, but it is also capable of healing.

With understanding, support, safety, therapeutic intervention, and compassionate professional guidance, people can gradually move from survival to recovery.

At Creative Family Law Solutions, we are privileged to walk alongside individuals and families during some of the most difficult chapters of their lives. We recognise that behind many legal problems sits a human story—often one marked by resilience, courage, and an extraordinary capacity for healing.

Because while trauma may leave its imprint, it does not have to define the future. We at Creative Family Law3 Solutions are mindful of family violence. We take a trauma informed approach. Come and talk to us, and see if we are a good fit for you!