As a professional working with families in conflict, our own presentation is crucial in assisting others to take control of their lives, deal with the conflict and move beyond this to a better place. If we can demonstrate the skill of happiness and long lasting wellbeing, based on inner peace and strength, then we are much more likely to be able to assist others to achieve this state.
Neuropsychologist Dr Rick Hanson has published various books on this topic that provide great assistance. He gives insight as to how the skill of wellbeing and happiness can be developed in everyone.
The first key to being happy is to be on your own side.
It was Bertrand Russell who said “The good life is a happy one, if you are happy you will be good.”
When working with families in crisis it is often apparent that they are struggling and miserable, desperate to get to a better place but lacking in the ability to see where they need to get to, and which path is required to get there. The distress and disempowerment they feel can permeate all aspects of their life and sap their ability to see beyond this. This state impacts in turn on everyone around them, mostly on children trapped in this situation and dependent physically, emotionally and intellectually.
All of us seek the universal standards of love and decency. We would agree that all beings are worthy of these basic requirements. Yet we often neglect the one person we have the most power over-our future selves. We have the highest duty to this person and our biggest responsibility should be to our inner selves. We must be our own best friends, as it is good for those around us if we are good to ourselves, we will be more available for others, including our children.
The more loved we are by ourselves, the more likely we are to be able to impact positively on others. We do not have to be perfect, but we must see ourselves as worthy of love and care. This requires that we are not stoic or indifferent to our own experiences of suffering and pain. In the course of a separation, parents can often be their own worst critic, but we should lean towards the good in ourselves and consider what it would be like to be more on our own side.
The second key to cultivating happiness is to rest in love.
All of us have only been able to live life due to those who have loved us into being, and supported us in this journey. These people have given of themselves to make us who we are today. Dr Hansen encourages us to acknowledge this input and to be grateful and express this gratitude.
In family disputes, it is a challenge for some parents to recall that their separated partner was once someone who loved them, and who they also loved. This may no longer be the case, but the shared history of the family prior to separation will always be there, and although the parents may wish to wipe this out and remove all the photos of this time from the album, the children and extended family members can need this history as a reflection of who they have become and how they got there. The ability to move to a new phase requires an ability to live comfortably with the memories of the past, including the positive contribution made by former partners. This is particularly important where children are involved, and realizing that separated parties will be connected by their children for the rest of their lives.
The third key to happiness is to take in the good.
All of us have the capacity and choice to see the glass as half empty or half full. Our future happiness depends on which of these we focus on and internalize. We need to foster the inner qualities that provide us with strength such as-resilience, mindfulness, secure attachments, self regulation, optimism, and self worth. By promoting these qualities we will develop inner strength that supports happiness that persists and is authentic.
Neuroscience
Inner strength can be built by training the brain using resilience, determination and positive motivation.
We need to have positive experiences that can be converted into lasting functionality. These experiences can activate neural pathways to result in a particular state of mind. By repetition, this can be consolidated into well established pathways in the brain, to translate this state of mind into a personality trait. Compassionate experiences can result in a more compassionate response, in the same way that experience of gratitude can produce a sense of gratitude. Exposure to positive experiences can result in learning that can in turn produce a lasting change for the better, with great effort and concentration on these positive attributes.
Negativity bias can mean that for the present, immediate survival is more powerful than the need to create a more positive outlook and move beyond the conflict. This can be regarded as a bottleneck in the brain, which impacts on the pathway to personal learning growth. A vicious cycle of conflict can make it very difficult to get the positive experiences to stick with us.
Dr Hanson provides a very useful guide to assist with moving through this bottleneck to being able to be more receptive to change and growth, based on the notion of HEAL.
Have positive and beneficial experiences
Enrich the experience-explore them, be open to them, recognize the experience
Absorb the experience-become intimate with them, let them sink in, be sensitive to the memory of them
Link positive and negative material- so both associate and the negative experience is neutralized
In other words, have the experience and enjoy it!
The Holistic Approach
In family settings it is important to recognize which part of the brain is the most dominant at the time, and to match available resources with current key needs based on this appreciation. There needs to be a holistic approach to the state of mind in the brain so that the emotional, social and spiritual needs are all met.
If issues of safety are those being most challenged, then the need will be in the reptilian brain. The inner qualities in this state that need to be fostered and recognised to produce peace include the vigilant, sturdy, determined, protected, calm and relaxed.
If a sense of satisfaction prevails, then the need will be based in the limbic part of the brain, and the inner qualities that must be developed and acknowledged for contentment include being grateful, accomplished, moderate, ambitious, and enthusiastic.
If connection and love is the overall goal, then resources should be employed to facilitate feelings of being included, empathic, kind, worthy and confident. This would occur in the cortex area of the brain.
By providing opportunities for these experiences, the qualities associated with them will be installed internally in the relevant part of the brain. With repetition, that resource will grow and develop, and the associated need will be met. This in turn will provide the inner strength or a road map to deal with life’s future experiences in a more constructive and positive manner. This will provide the skills to deal with conflict in the future and to be a happier and better person!
If these ideas excite you, and you would like to establish a dialogue around this type of approach to dealing with conflict management, contact me at Creative Family Law Solutions.
see Buddah’s Brain-Hardwiring Happiness by Dr Rick Hanson