2026-05-29 Family Violence Episode 3 (1)
Understanding Emotional and Psychological Family Violence Through Maria’s Story
Reflections from an experienced family lawyer and mediator at Creative Family Law Solutions
One of the most misunderstood forms of family violence is emotional and psychological abuse.
Unlike physical violence, there may be no bruises, broken bones, or visible injuries. From the outside, a family may appear entirely ordinary. Yet behind closed doors, one person may be living in a constant state of fear, self-doubt, anxiety, and emotional exhaustion.
Maria’s story illustrates how emotional and psychological abuse can slowly erode a person’s confidence, identity, and sense of safety over many years.
For family lawyers and mediators, stories like Maria’s remind us that family violence is often far more complex than physical assault. The challenge is recognising the signs, understanding the dynamics, and responding in a way that supports safety, dignity, and recovery.
What Does Emotional and Psychological Family Violence Look Like?
When many people think about family violence, they imagine physical assaults.
However, under Australian family law, family violence includes behaviour that is:
“coercive, controlling, threatening, or causes a family member to fear for their safety or wellbeing.”
Maria’s experience demonstrates many classic indicators of emotional and psychological abuse.
Joe rarely uses physical violence. Instead, he systematically undermines Maria’s confidence and sense of self.
He:
- constantly criticises her;
- humiliates her;
- belittles her efforts;
- makes her responsible for his moods;
- isolates her from independent decision-making;
- controls the emotional environment of the home;
- uses intimidation;
- blames her for his behaviour; and
- creates an atmosphere where she is continually walking on eggshells.
Over time, this becomes normalised.
Maria begins to believe:
“There must be something wrong with me.”
This is one of the most damaging consequences of psychological abuse.
The Pattern Is the Violence
An important lesson from both the Safe & Together™ Model and Lundy Bancroft’s work is that family violence is often a pattern rather than an incident.
Maria describes years of criticism:
- her cooking is wrong;
- her cleaning is wrong;
- her clothing is wrong;
- her furniture choices are wrong;
- her gardening is wrong;
- her ideas are wrong.
Nothing she does is ever good enough.
The purpose is not improvement.
The purpose is control.
When someone is repeatedly criticised and devalued, they often lose confidence in their own judgment. Eventually they stop making decisions, expressing opinions, or advocating for themselves.
As family lawyers and mediators, this is often what we see when clients arrive at our office.
They may appear uncertain, hesitant, apologetic, or unable to identify what they want.
This is not weakness.
It is often the result of years of coercive and controlling behaviour.
The Abuse Extends to Lily
One of the most concerning aspects of the story is Joe’s treatment of Lily.
Lily has significant disabilities and relies heavily on her mother for care. Rather than supporting Maria, Joe directs hostility towards both of them.
He refers to Lily as an embarrassment and demands that she be removed from his sight.
Even where a child is not directly assaulted, this behaviour has profound consequences.
Children living in these environments learn:
- fear;
- hypervigilance;
- shame;
- insecurity;
- emotional suppression; and
- distorted views of relationships.
As David Mandel’s Safe & Together™ Model teaches, children’s wellbeing is directly affected by the perpetrator’s behaviour towards the non-offending parent.
The question is not:
“Has he hurt the child?”
The question is:
“How has his behaviour harmed the child’s world?”
Signs an Experienced Family Lawyer or Mediator Might Notice
Clients experiencing psychological abuse often do not initially identify themselves as victims of family violence.
Instead, they may say:
- “He just gets angry.”
- “I try not to upset him.”
- “He’s difficult sometimes.”
- “I should probably do better.”
- “He doesn’t hit me.”
These statements often warrant further exploration.
Some warning signs include:
Excessive Self-Blame
Maria accepts responsibility for Joe’s moods and reactions.
Loss of Confidence
She no longer trusts her own judgment and believes she is incapable of doing simple tasks.
Fear-Based Decision Making
Her actions are focused on preventing conflict rather than meeting her own needs.
Hypervigilance
She immediately reacts to the sound of Joe arriving home and becomes alert to signs of danger.
Walking on Eggshells
She constantly adjusts her behaviour to avoid triggering criticism or abuse.
Social Isolation
She has little independent support and receives messages from family members that reinforce the abusive dynamic.
Difficulty Identifying Abuse
Despite enduring years of mistreatment, Maria is surprised when Emma identifies the behaviour as family violence.
The Importance of Validation
One of the most significant moments in the story occurs when Emma from The Orange Door helps Maria understand that what she is experiencing is family violence.
For many survivors, this is the beginning of change.
Not because the violence suddenly starts.
But because it is finally named.
Validation is powerful.
Survivors often spend years being told:
- they are overreacting;
- they are too sensitive;
- they are imagining things;
- they are the problem.
Being told:
“What is happening to you is not okay”
can be profoundly transformative.
How Family Lawyers and Mediators Can Help
Listen Without Judgement
Many survivors fear they will not be believed.
Creating a safe environment where clients can speak openly is essential.
Focus on Safety
Safety should always come before legal strategy.
This includes:
- immediate risk assessment;
- safety planning;
- communication arrangements;
- child safety considerations; and
- support services.
Identify Strengths
Like many survivors, Maria has spent years protecting her child under extremely difficult circumstances.
Recognising these strengths helps restore confidence and agency.
Avoid Victim-Blaming Questions
Rather than asking:
“Why didn’t you leave?”
Ask:
“What made it difficult to leave?”
or
“What have you been doing to keep yourself and your child safe?”
Work Collaboratively
Family violence rarely has a purely legal solution.
Recovery often requires coordinated support from multiple professionals.
Referrals and Supports That May Assist
Depending on the individual’s circumstances, referrals may include:
Family Violence Services
- The Orange Door
- Safe Steps Family Violence Response Centre
- 1800RESPECT
Counselling and Trauma Support
- Trauma-informed psychologists
- Family violence counsellors
- Mental health social workers
- Specialist trauma recovery programs
Child-Focused Supports
- Disability support services
- Child psychologists
- School wellbeing teams
- Family support agencies
Legal Assistance
- Family lawyers experienced in family violence matters
- Independent Children’s Lawyers where appropriate
- Community legal centres
- Victoria Legal Aid
Practical Supports
- Financial counselling
- Housing support services
- NDIS supports where relevant
- Centrelink social workers
The Most Important Learning From Maria’s Story
Perhaps the most powerful lesson is that emotional and psychological abuse often works by making the victim believe they are the problem.
By the end of the story, Maria is beginning to see something different.
She is starting to understand that Joe’s behaviour is not caused by her shortcomings.
The criticism, humiliation, intimidation, and control are choices that Joe is making.
That shift—from self-blame to understanding—is often the first step toward safety and recovery.
As family lawyers and mediators, our role is not simply to resolve legal disputes. It is to recognise when family violence may be present, to respond with sensitivity and insight, to prioritise safety, and to help people like Maria rediscover their voice, their confidence, and their ability to move forward into a life where they and their children can feel safe, respected, and valued.