Few books have shifted Australia’s understanding of family violence as profoundly as See What You Made Me Do by Jess Hill.
The title itself captures one of the most dangerous dynamics within abusive relationships:
the belief by perpetrators that their violence is caused by the victim.
“See what you made me do.”
It is a phrase many victims hear repeatedly — directly or indirectly — throughout coercive and controlling relationships.
At Creative Family Law Solutions, we regularly work with individuals experiencing forms of family violence that are difficult to identify, explain, or prove. Many clients arrive believing they are simply in a “difficult relationship” or experiencing “communication problems,” only to slowly realise they have been living within a pattern of coercive control.
Coercive control is not always physical.
It is not always visible.
And from the outside, it can appear deceptively ordinary.
But for those living within it, coercive control can slowly reshape every aspect of life:
- how they think,
- how they parent,
- how they spend money,
- who they speak to,
- what they say,
- what they wear,
- what they believe,
- and ultimately, who they become.
What Is Coercive Controlling Violence?
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour designed to dominate, intimidate, isolate, and control another person.
Rather than focusing on a single incident, coercive control involves ongoing conduct that creates fear, dependency, and emotional entrapment.
It may include:
- emotional abuse,
- intimidation,
- humiliation,
- financial abuse,
- monitoring movements or communications,
- threats,
- isolation from supports,
- manipulation involving children,
- sexual coercion,
- gaslighting,
- or unpredictable cycles of affection and punishment.
Many victims describe it as:
“Walking on eggshells.”
Not because violence is occurring constantly, but because they are constantly managing another person’s moods, reactions, and expectations.
As Jess Hill explains so powerfully, coercive control often operates like an invisible cage. The victim may technically be free to leave the house, see friends, or make choices — but emotionally, psychologically, financially, and physically, they no longer feel safe to do so.
The Victim’s Perspective: “I Slowly Lost Myself”
One of the most heartbreaking realities about coercive control is that victims often do not recognise it while they are living through it.
There is rarely a single moment where the relationship suddenly becomes abusive.
Instead, it happens gradually:
- one criticism,
- one apology,
- one controlling behaviour,
- one financial restriction,
- one angry outburst,
- one compromise,
- one moment of fear at a time.
In the early stages, perpetrators may appear intensely loving, attentive, protective, charismatic, or emotionally invested. Victims often hold tightly to these early experiences throughout the relationship, hoping things will return to how they once were.
Over time however, the victim begins adjusting themselves to avoid conflict:
- “It’s easier not to argue.”
- “Maybe I’m overreacting.”
- “I don’t want to upset them.”
- “If I explain myself better, things will calm down.”
Gradually, the victim becomes hypervigilant:
- monitoring tone,
- anticipating moods,
- avoiding certain topics,
- withdrawing from supports,
- and suppressing their own needs to maintain emotional safety.
Many clients describe feeling as though they are constantly bracing themselves for something they cannot predict.
One of the greatest harms caused by coercive control is the erosion of identity.
People who were once confident, social, creative, independent, ambitious or joyful may become:
- anxious,
- withdrawn,
- exhausted,
- indecisive,
- isolated,
- fearful,
- and disconnected from themselves.
Many eventually say:
“I don’t even recognise who I am anymore.”
Importantly, victims are not weak.
Most are surviving within an environment of ongoing psychological manipulation and fear while trying desperately to preserve their relationships, families, children, financial security, and sense of hope.
The Perpetrator’s Perspective: “You Made Me Do This”
One of the confronting truths explored in Jess Hill’s work is that many perpetrators do not see themselves as abusive.
Instead, they often perceive themselves as:
- disrespected,
- wronged,
- abandoned,
- humiliated,
- misunderstood,
- or deprived of control.
This does not excuse abusive behaviour.
But understanding perpetrator psychology is essential if family violence is to be meaningfully addressed.
Perpetrators of coercive control often feel entitled to power within the relationship. When they perceive that control is threatened, they may respond through:
- intimidation,
- punishment,
- blame shifting,
- emotional manipulation,
- financial restriction,
- coercion,
- or violence.
One of the most dangerous aspects of coercive control is the refusal to accept responsibility.
Instead, accountability is externalised:
- “You pushed me too far.”
- “If you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have reacted.”
- “You know how to trigger me.”
- “You’re the abusive one.”
- “You made me do this.”
Over time, this can profoundly distort the victim’s sense of reality.
Victims often begin questioning:
- their memory,
- their reactions,
- their judgment,
- and even their sanity.
This process — often referred to as gaslighting — can leave victims deeply confused and emotionally destabilised.
The abuse no longer exists only externally.
It begins reshaping the victim’s internal understanding of themselves.
The Cycle of Control
One of the reasons coercive control is so difficult to leave is because it often operates in repeating cycles of fear, tension, relief, remorse, and hope.
The relationship may move through several phases.
- Tension Building
The victim senses growing tension and begins trying to prevent conflict.
They may:
- become quieter,
- monitor the perpetrator’s moods,
- avoid certain topics,
- alter behaviour,
- or prioritise the perpetrator’s emotional state above their own needs.
The household often feels emotionally unsafe long before any overt incident occurs.
Victims frequently describe:
“Walking on eggshells.”
- Escalation or Incident
Eventually the tension erupts.
This may involve:
- verbal abuse,
- intimidation,
- threats,
- humiliation,
- financial restriction,
- destruction of property,
- emotional degradation,
- coercion,
- or physical violence.
Importantly, physical violence is not necessary for coercive control to exist.
Many victims describe the greatest fear as the unpredictability and psychological domination rather than physical injury alone.
- Blame, Minimisation or Justification
After the incident, perpetrators frequently attempt to shift responsibility onto the victim.
This is where the title:
“See What You Made Me Do”
becomes especially significant.
The perpetrator reframes their conduct:
- “You made me angry.”
- “You know how to upset me.”
- “I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t…”
- “You’re overreacting.”
This can leave victims profoundly confused and increasingly self-blaming.
- Reconciliation or Calm
Often, there is then a period of apparent calm, affection, remorse, or temporary change.
The perpetrator may:
- apologise,
- promise counselling,
- become affectionate,
- buy gifts,
- show vulnerability,
- or promise things will improve.
For victims, this period can feel incredibly relieving.
Importantly, victims are not foolish for holding onto hope during these moments.
They are remembering:
- the person they first fell in love with,
- the tenderness they once experienced,
- and the belief that the relationship can still be saved.
This intermittent cycle of fear followed by relief can create what is known as trauma bonding — a powerful emotional attachment that can make leaving extraordinarily difficult.
Why It Is So Difficult to Leave
Perhaps the most misunderstood question surrounding family violence is:
“Why didn’t they just leave?”
The reality is that coercive control creates layers of entrapment.
Victims may fear:
- retaliation,
- financial ruin,
- losing their children,
- homelessness,
- isolation,
- shame,
- community judgment,
- or serious escalation after separation.
Importantly, separation is often the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship.
When perpetrators feel control slipping away, behaviour can intensify dramatically.
Leaving is rarely a single moment of courage.
It is often a long, frightening, emotionally exhausting process involving:
- safety planning,
- rebuilding confidence,
- financial survival,
- legal support,
- emotional healing,
- and navigating enormous uncertainty.
Rather than asking:
“Why didn’t they leave sooner?”
a more compassionate question is:
“What made it so unsafe and difficult to leave?”
The Role of Compassionate Family Lawyers
At Creative Family Law Solutions, we believe family law must involve more than legal outcomes.
It must involve understanding people, trauma, safety, and human behaviour.
Clients experiencing coercive control often arrive:
- exhausted,
- frightened,
- emotionally overwhelmed,
- uncertain,
- and unsure whether what they experienced “counts” as abuse.
One of the most important roles of a compassionate family lawyer is to:
- listen carefully,
- recognise patterns of coercive control,
- create emotional safety,
- provide practical guidance,
- and help restore a person’s sense of agency and confidence.
Importantly, there is no “one-size-fits-all” response to family violence.
Some situations require urgent intervention and court protection.
Others require careful safety planning, therapeutic support, or nuanced parenting arrangements.
Trauma-informed family law requires sensitivity, insight, and compassion.
Because often, the greatest thing a professional can do is help someone understand:
“You are not imagining this.”
“What you are experiencing matters.”
“This is not your fault.”
“You do not have to navigate this alone.”
Moving Beyond Silence
One of the most powerful contributions of Jess Hill’s work is that it gives language to experiences many victims struggle to explain.
It helps people understand that coercive control is not:
- “just arguing,”
- “mutual conflict,”
- or “relationship difficulties.”
It is a pattern of domination that can fundamentally reshape a person’s world.
And importantly:
it is never the victim’s responsibility to carry the blame for another person’s abuse.
For many survivors, healing begins with a moment of recognition:
“This is not normal.”
“I am not responsible for this.”
“I deserve to feel safe.”
And from that recognition, it becomes possible — slowly, carefully, and with support — to begin reclaiming identity, autonomy, dignity, and hope. Come and talk to us about your experience. We believe that we can point you in the right direction, and hope to work with you to create a better life!