Understanding coercive control and its impact on families
Family violence is often far more complex than many people realise.
While public discussion has traditionally focused on physical assaults or visible injuries, many forms of family violence are subtle, gradual and deeply psychological. Some victim-survivors may not immediately recognise what is happening to them. Friends, family members and even professionals may also fail to identify the warning signs until the behaviour escalates significantly.
From the perspective of experienced family lawyers and family mediators, one of the greatest challenges in family violence matters is that abusive behaviour often develops slowly and incrementally over time.
At Creative Family Law Solutions, we understand that family violence can affect people from all backgrounds, professions and family structures. It is not always obvious. It is not always physical. And it often exists beneath the surface of what may outwardly appear to be a loving or successful relationship.
Family Violence Is Not Always Physical
Section 4AB of the Family Law Act 1975 (Cth) defines family violence broadly as:
“violent, threatening or other behaviour by a person that coerces or controls a member of the person’s family … or causes the family member to be fearful.”
Importantly, the law recognises that family violence can include:
- Emotional abuse;
- Psychological abuse;
- Financial abuse;
- Intimidation;
- Social isolation;
- Technology-facilitated abuse;
- Sexual coercion;
- Threatening behaviour; and
- Coercive and controlling conduct.
Many victim-survivors describe family violence not as a single incident, but as a gradual erosion of confidence, independence, emotional safety and autonomy.
This is why coercive control has become such an important focus within modern family law practice.
What Is Coercive Control?
Coercive and controlling family violence is where someone uses a pattern of behaviour over a period of time to pressure another person to do things they do not want to do, would not ordinarily choose to do, or to make them fearful of the consequences if they resist.
It is about power and domination.
The behaviour may appear subtle at first. It may even be disguised as care, protectiveness, jealousy, love or concern.
Over time, however, the behaviour can become increasingly controlling and harmful.
A person experiencing coercive control may begin to:
- Question their own judgment;
- Modify their behaviour to avoid conflict;
- Become socially isolated;
- Feel constantly anxious or hypervigilant;
- Lose confidence in decision-making; or
- Feel responsible for the abusive person’s reactions.
One of the reasons coercive control is so difficult to identify is because it often develops gradually.
The victim-survivor adapts incrementally to the changing dynamics of the relationship.
How Family Violence Can Be Hidden
The following narrative powerfully illustrates how family violence may emerge in subtle but deeply concerning ways within a relationship.
The story describes a young woman named Elise who enters a relationship believing she has found love, safety and acceptance. Her husband initially presents as charming, attentive and respectful. He is admired socially and appears caring and supportive.
This is not uncommon in coercive control dynamics.
The abusive behaviour often does not begin openly or immediately.
Instead, there may be:
- Gradual possessiveness;
- Emotional manipulation;
- Isolation;
- Monitoring of communication;
- Jealousy disguised as affection;
- Increasing criticism;
- Unpredictable anger; and
- Attempts to establish dominance and control.
In Elise’s story, the shift begins subtly after marriage. Behaviours that initially appear confusing or isolated gradually reveal a deeper pattern of coercion and intimidation.
Examples include:
- Controlling what she wears;
- Public humiliation and degradation;
- Monitoring her phone and messages;
- Destroying property;
- Using intimidation and fear;
- Emotional manipulation;
- Isolation from support; and
- Sexual violence and physical assault.
A particularly important aspect of the narrative is Elise’s internal response.
Rather than immediately identifying the behaviour as abuse, she repeatedly blames herself:
“I decided that it was my fault…”
“Without meaning to, something I had done must have upset him.”
This self-blame is extremely common in coercive control situations.
Victim-survivors may minimise behaviour, rationalise it, or try harder to “keep the peace” in order to avoid escalation.
Why Victim-Survivors May Not Immediately Leave
One of the most misunderstood aspects of family violence is why people do not simply leave when concerning behaviour begins.
The reality is far more complicated.
Victim-survivors may:
- Feel emotionally attached to the person;
- Hope the behaviour will improve;
- Fear retaliation;
- Feel ashamed or embarrassed;
- Worry about children;
- Be financially dependent;
- Feel isolated from supports;
- Experience trauma bonding; or
- Lose confidence in their own perceptions.
In coercive relationships, fear and control are often established gradually.
By the time the violence becomes obvious, the victim-survivor may already feel trapped emotionally, psychologically, financially or socially.
As family lawyers and mediators, it is essential that professionals avoid simplistic assumptions or judgment.
Trauma-informed practice requires understanding how coercive control impacts decision-making, confidence and emotional safety.
The Impact on Children and Families
Family violence affects entire family systems — particularly children.
Importantly, children do not need to be physically assaulted to be harmed by family violence.
Exposure to:
- Fear;
- Intimidation;
- Verbal abuse;
- Emotional volatility;
- Coercive control; and
- Unsafe environments
can have profound developmental and psychological impacts.
Children exposed to family violence may experience:
- Anxiety;
- Sleep difficulties;
- Emotional dysregulation;
- Behavioural difficulties;
- Poor concentration;
- Trauma symptoms;
- Difficulties forming secure attachments; and
- Long-term mental health impacts.
The Family Law Act 1975 now places a stronger emphasis on protecting children from harm and prioritising safety in parenting decisions.
The amendments commencing in 2024 reinforced the importance of considering:
- Family violence;
- Emotional and psychological safety;
- Developmental wellbeing; and
- The impact of coercive control on parenting dynamics.
At Creative Family Law Solutions, we strongly support child-focused and trauma-informed approaches that prioritise emotional safety, stability and healthy developmental outcomes for children.
Why Early Identification Matters
Early identification of family violence is critically important.
When coercive control is not identified:
- Unsafe parenting arrangements may occur;
- Victim-survivors may feel pressured into mediation processes that are not appropriate;
- Power imbalances may go unrecognised;
- Children may remain exposed to harm; and
- The legal process itself may unintentionally perpetuate abuse.
This is why family lawyers, mediators and Family Dispute Resolution Practitioners must carefully screen for:
- Fear;
- Intimidation;
- Unequal power dynamics;
- Social isolation;
- Emotional abuse; and
- Coercive behaviours.
Sometimes the most significant indicators are not what is said — but what is avoided, minimised or normalised.
A Trauma-Informed and Compassionate Approach
At Creative Family Law Solutions, we believe family law practice must be grounded in compassion, empathy, professionalism and safety-focused support.
Families experiencing family violence often present feeling overwhelmed, frightened, confused and emotionally exhausted.
They require:
- Careful listening;
- Respectful communication;
- Trauma-informed processes;
- Clear legal advice;
- Safe dispute resolution pathways; and
- Support to make informed decisions.
No two family violence matters are identical.
Understanding the hidden and complex nature of coercive control is essential to supporting safer and more sustainable outcomes for families.
Final Thoughts
Family violence is often difficult to identify because it may develop slowly, occur privately, and involve emotional and psychological manipulation rather than visible physical injury.
Coercive control can fundamentally alter how a person thinks, behaves and experiences safety within a relationship.
The story of Elise demonstrates how family violence may begin with subtle controlling behaviours before escalating into intimidation, domination and physical and sexual violence.
Importantly, family violence is never the fault of the victim-survivor.
Greater awareness, trauma-informed practice and early intervention are essential to protecting children, supporting families and preventing further harm.
At Creative Family Law Solutions, we remain committed to supporting families with compassion, professionalism and a strong focus on safety, dignity and informed decision-making.
See this fictional example of what coercive and controlling violence might look like!