As professionals working with family disputes most of our influence arises from the conversations that we have with our clients. The way we conduct these conversations has a major impact on the outcome of our work. We aim to engage in skilled communications that result in constructive conversations that enable some progress in achieving what is wanted.
A solutions focus is a positive approach to change, based on constructive conversations with communication as the engine of our interactions. This approach uses a number of tools and skills that promote a more strategic approach to discussions, planning how they should proceed, and using skills, principles and strategies to move the conversation in this direction. These principles provide for a simple approach:
- Focus on the solution not the problem
- Use the interaction inbetween the participants
- Make use of what is there rather than wishing for what is not-using strengths and available resources
- Look for possibilities-what worked well from the past, or hope for a better future
- Use clear and uncomplicated language
- Note that every case is different and a unique opportunity.
Most participants come to dispute resolution speaking problem talk. They are quick to describe what the problems are, where they came from, the impact they have, how people feel about them, and where they are heading. This is all about what went wrong in the past, who is to blame for it, and what consequences should flow from this for the future. It is often focused on everything that went wrong in the past, negative, blaming, positional, and stuck.
Experience shows us that better outcomes arise when there is talk of what is wanted, what this might look like , how strengths, resources and skills can be used to achieve this. The focus is more on solutions for the future.
There are a number of practical tools that can shift problem talk to solution talk. that can be used independently or in combination.
The first is to begin with a platform or starting point for what is wanted-the topic or subject matter. You would like to be able to engage with the other parent so that there is a collaborative arrangement regarding the children?
The second is to have a goal in mind that can be the aim of the session. This can be explored by asking for a detailed description of what a perfect future might look like. What would it look like for you to have the collaborative parenting arrangement that you hope for?
The third is to establish a scale or range against which progress towards the goal can be evaluated. The future perfect might be at one end of the scale with a score of 10. The current situation where none of the aspects of this future picture have yet been achieved might be at the other end of the scale with a score of 1. At various times the question can be asked when various aspects are discussed, where this puts them on the scale at that stage of the conversation.
The next is the idea of exploring what counters might be resulting in progress up that scale towards the future perfect. These might include resources, skills, strengths or know-how, or even willingness to try a new arrangement for a period of time to see how it goes. What would need to happen for you to be able to engage in this type of collaborative parenting?
Another very useful conversational tool is to affirm, acknowledge or compliment. Naming a positive contribution, or acknowledging a strength, or complimenting a positive attribute can have a profound impact on a discussion. You obviously have a lot to offer your children and are very keen to be involved in important parts of their life!
Change and growth generally happens slowly and erratically, and it can be important to develop a sense for small actions. Even small steps in the direction of the perfect future can be a massive accomplishment and crucial to lead the conversation in the right direction. Commitment to small actions can provide the impetus for movement towards something being different, even if changing from dispiriting to energizing conversations. What small steps could you take before our next session to progress towards this type of parenting?
Problem talk
The sort of questions in this mindset might include:
What is the issue?
What is wrong with what you are doing?
Why are you doing so badly?
What is the main cause of your difficulty?
Whose fault is it?
What are the other things that make it difficult?
Why will it be difficult for you to do any better?
The focus here is to diagnose the problem, know what causes the problem and use this information to address the problem.
Solution talk
The sort of questions from this perspective might include:
What are you aiming to achieve?
How will you know you have achieved it?
What was the best you ever did at this thing?
What went well on that occasion?
What will be the first signs that you are getting better?
How will other people notice this improvement?
The focus here is to recognise the solution, find ways and know how to contribute to the desired outcome, build the solution and vanish the problem.
The adversarial system naturally takes dispute resolution to problem talk, with understanding the position that is taken, why this is justified based on past actions, generally about what has gone wrong in the past and had a negative impact. The underlying assumption is often that past problems indicate what is likely to happen in the future, and therefore supports the proposed outcome.
The challenge is to look at good outcomes for the future, the strengths that currently exist that would support these outcomes and what needs to happen to support them and make them more likely. This does not require a detailed investigation of the past, except to explore when things were better, why they had worked, and how this situation may be recreated now and into the future.
I am experimenting with these types of conversations in my work, and find that they make a great difference. These ideas and guidance came from “The Art of Constructive Conversations with a Solutions Focus” by Paul Z Jackson, Janine Waldman and Andrew Rixon. If you would like to talk more about these concepts, please contact me at Creative Family Law Solutions.