I was recently lucky enough to see the Melbourne Theatre Company production of The Odd Couple. This harkened back to when I was growing up and watching the TV series based on this play.
The story is about best friends Oscar and Flex. They have a long term friendship that appears to be based on that old adage that opposites attract.
Oscar is chaotic in every aspect of his life-his clothes, his appearance, his environment and his relationships. But he is warm and supportive, well intentioned and well liked. His apartment is a mess, but his mates regularly meet there for their poker nights, and underneath the stuff, there is always a seat for everyone, and a cold beer in the fridge. His wife and family have moved on, but regularly ring up even if only to remind him that he is late with his maintenance payments. His life rolls on from day to day without concern for the future.
Felix is the opposite. He is pedantic and attentive to detail in all respects. His clothes are immaculate, he is fussy about housework, and loves to cook. He worries about what others are thinking and feeling, and craves routine and structure. He does not cope well with change. But Felix is also a good friend to the poker group and they are all fond of him and accept him as one of the gang.
The plot develops when Felix separates from his wife and his life is turned upside down. Oscar comes to the rescue and Felix moves in with him. From then on we see not only these two very different friends supporting each other emotionally, but how they cope when they are sharing the same space.
The differences between them very quickly become apparent. To begin with they each accept their differences, and tolerate the consequences with good humour. As time goes by, this grates more and more as it impacts on their different lifestyles. Felix cannot cope with the slovenly ways of Oscar, and his lack of co-operation with his routine and daily housekeeping tasks. Oscar cannot bear being smothered and comes to resent bitterly what he sees as Felix’s need to manage him and his lifestyle.
In only a few short weeks, the good friends are enemies and they no longer see any of the previously endearing qualities of the other, but are now focused on all the differences and what they hate about the other. They have lost sight of the basis of their friendship and there is no good will between them.
This is an extreme example, but makes a point very effectively. I am struck by the parallels with the work that I do with family disputes. A couple may have a long association, and appear to be compatible in many ways forming the basis for their decision to join their lives together. At some point they stop seeing what they love about the other, and start being focused on all the things that irritate and annoy. Without some mutual wish to return to where they were, the chasm between them expands, and they can only see what they dislike about the other. Separation then appears to become inevitable in many situations.
Couples like Oscar and Felix can go their own separate ways, and hopefully resume their friendship from afar. Others require assistance to work through unresolved issues and leave the baggage of their former relationships behind them. In many of the couples I work with they still carry this baggage and it creates ongoing difficulties for them in subsequent relationships.
This is most apparent where there are children involved. The parents are connected together for the rest of their lives via their children, and need to renegotiate an acceptable business-like parenting relationship for the sake of their children. For those that struggle with this, the focus is often on the differences in parenting styles rather than similarities, or the benefits for the children in experiencing and coping with diversity.
If you would like to discuss how to manage and cope with these types of differences, contact Creative Family Law Solutions!